17. Paul Colaianni on Why Relationships Fail

Have you ever been in a relationship that failed and been left with feelings of hurt, anger, frustration, or wondered Why? I know I sure have, and so has Paul Colaianni. We talk about subconscious behaviors that can sabotage our relationships.

Find out how you can improve the quality of your relationships with Personal Development Coach Paul Colaianni.

I am grateful to share  Paul Colaianni’s experience with you.  His childhood through many challenges at him and when he moved out of the home, he left taking a lot of baggage with him.

We talk about how learned behaviors, ruin relationships. For example, learning that drunk Dad would get mad if he screwed up, taught him to be a perfectionist.

One learned behavior he told me about is something I am struggling with today. If somebody yells at you and you close off or shut down because you didn’t want to be hurt as a child and it became how you cope. At the time it worked yet as an adult it does not serve in a healthy relationship.

He figured out how to find the benefits of these learned behaviors.  For example, being super responsible for a job is a good thing as long as you have healthy boundaries.

In Paul’s case, he became a yes man because he didn’t want to create tension. He ended up doing things he didn’t really want to do to please people.

If you are reading along and thinking that his story sounds familiar, you are not alone. Paul helps people who are having similar problems in their marriage. You don’t have to suffer all of your life, the good news is, you can start to take control and take one step towards having an amazing relationship today.

Paul tells us how these behaviors affected his relationships and brought them to an end. I asked him how he was able to see his own faults when many people blame the other person.

He told us that he never did think he was the problem, but he started by asking these questions:

  • If I was the problem in this relationship?
  • If I was the problem with my job?
  • What could it be?

He became open to listening to what other people would say about him and how he would trigger those close to him.

When I asked him if it was easier to see his faults, he told me it was not. He was not conscious of these things before, and now that they are visible it can affect how the whole past looks.

This is where we need to learn that we DID NOT have the skills then that we have now. It is easy to look back and think that we should have and see the hurt and pain that was caused, it is harder to know that you couldn’t have been any different then.

My counselor told me that I was given permission to grieve the loss of what could have been as I came to these realizations. 

That loss of what could have been if only we had known can be really hard.


Paul was in a relationship for 13 years and experiencing depression. She told him she couldn’t handle it anymore and that he could let her know when he was through it.

Something snapped and he was able to cry and let it all go. He had to admit his true feelings and emotions that were stored inside himself. Once he admitted he felt hatred, he was able to let it go.

We don’t want to hate anyone, however, He tells us


Once you express all that needs to be expressed, it releases the emotional energy behind it and it is not as controlling anymore. He found his depression started to go away very fast. He became more vulnerable realizing it was healing.

We ran out of time, but Paul agreed to come back on the show again. Please let me know if you have any questions for Paul and I will be sure to ask for the next episode. Don’t miss this inspiring interview listen here